Woody Allen: Famous Quotes

Quotes from: Woody Allen

• "A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with ..."
• "And my parents finally realize that I'm kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: They ..."
• "As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard ..."
• "Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come ..."
• "Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. "
• "Cloquet hated reality but realized it was still the only place to get a good ..."
• "Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of ..."
• "Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. ..."
• "Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. "
• "Eighty percent of success is showing up. "
• "Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. "
• "He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian. "
• "His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy. "
• "How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught ..."
• "I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it ..."
• "I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose. "
• "I am two with nature. "
• "I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government. "
• "I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear. "
• "I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is ..."
• "I don't respond well to mellow, you know what I mean, I-I have a tendency ..."
• "I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my ..."
• "I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through ..."
• "I failed to make the chess team because of my height. "
• "I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers. "
• "I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by ..."
• "I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle! "
• "I tended to place my wife under a pedestal. "
• "I think being funny is not anyone's first choice. "
• "I think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then go ..."
• "I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves ..."
• "I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl ..."
• "I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave ..."
• "I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into ..."
• "I was thrown out of N.Y.U. my freshman year... for cheating on my metaphysics final. ..."
• "I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead. "
• "I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse. "

• "I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a ..."
• "I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to ..."
• "I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens. "
• "I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own. "
• "I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me ..."
• "I've never been an intellectual but I have this look. "
• "If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. ..."
• "If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right. "
• "If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job. "
• "If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in ..."
• "If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans. "
• "If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything ..."
• "In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows. "
• "In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows. "
• "In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker. "
• "Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - ..."
• "Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right. "
• "It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune. "
• "It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, ..."
• "It is no secret that organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars ..."
• "It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune. "
• "It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when ..."
• "Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television. "
• "Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. "
• "Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too ..."
• "Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty ..."
• "Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more ..."
• "Marriage is the death of hope. "
• "Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. "
• "More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to ..."
• "More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair ..."
• "Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I ..."
• "My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by ..."
• "My one regret in life is that I am not someone else. "
• "Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again. God - ..."
• "Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday. "

• "Of all the wonders of nature, a tree in summer is perhaps the most remarkable; ..."
• "On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done ..."
• "Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very ..."
• "Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast. "
• "Seventy percent of success in life is showing up. "
• "Sex between 2 people is a beautiful thing; between 5 it's fantastic. "
• "Sex between a man and a woman can be absolutely wonderful - provided you get ..."
• "Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take the ..."
• "Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing. "
• "Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's one of ..."
• "She wore a short skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a set ..."
• "Side Effects Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on the ..."
• "Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not ..."
• "Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness. "
• "The baby is fine, the only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson. "
• "The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife-a ..."
• "The curtain rises on a vast primitive wasteland, not unlike certain parts of New jersey. "
• "The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone ..."
• "The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small. "
• "The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much ..."
• "The prison psychiatrist asked me if I thought sex was dirty. I told him only ..."
• "The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what ..."
• "The whole country was tied together by radio. We all experienced the same heroes and ..."
• "There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep ..."
• "There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with ..."
• "Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there ..."
• "Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once. "
• "To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition. "
• "Tradition is the illusion of permanance. "
• "What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid ..."
• "What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if ..."
• "When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room. "
• "When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back. "
• "Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen. "
• "Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered? "
• "Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must ..."