Obama: A Grimm Fairy Tale

Once upon a time there was a very handsome young man with a winning complexion and uncertain origin.

One day this young man appeared at the edge of a very unhappy village which recently had suffered through a terrible storm devastating many homes and livelihoods.

The young man promptly surveyed the situation and asked to be taken to the village elders.

The village elders took a liking to the young man immediately and their affection for him grew all the stronger after he said: "O village elders ask not where I come from or what I am, but where would you all like to go--and your wish will be granted!"

Despite their age and wisdom the elders were delighted at this response and so desperate to keep the villagers from perhaps slitting their throats in the night that they immediately decided to withdraw from their positions of power and elect this bright young man temporary King of the Village.

Once all had seen and heard the young man, a giant tumult of approval went through the entire village. And he was made King.

After a short while the young man now made King would appear at strange times doing strange, uncommon things in the village. In the beginning the villagers thought that this was a part of the young man's 'special powers' of healing and that all would be well if they just let well enough alone. And so they did.

However after a time people began to take notice that many new laws had been passed by they knew not who and they knew not when and that new folk had come to settle in the village to enforce them.

Rumors began. Some villagers said that the new folk had forced them to do things that seemed strange but was for the future good of this village and other villages, most of whom they had never heard of before.

As strangeness began to pile upon weirdness and began to form an atmosphere of unease over the village, people began to ask "Where is our King and what has he done?"

Yet no one had seen the young man turned King up close for some time.

And when they searched they no longer could  find him, but only a picture of him as he was when he first came to the village.

People started to be afraid.

The ravages of the storm had not been fixed and there was a warning of even greater storms ahead. One, very distant village, was rumored to be preparing for the greatest storm of all: an abrupt and devastating war.

Yet most people chose for a time to ignore all this chicken talk: after all the elders had trusted this young man to get rid of all their past accumulated problems and wasted efforts.

So, for a time, the houses continued to lay barren and the mills were silent and the people spoke in ever hushed whispers as more laws and more enforcers of laws came from they knew not when and they knew not from whence.

Generations passed and the elders were all dead and even the villagers who had first welcomed the young man, even the tiniest, had all long since died.

Now, the village looked much poorer and neglected than it had in the past: at least as it was depicted by pictures that were ever harder to come by---but all present woe and doubt was soon to be forgotten because tomorrow as it had been celebrated ever since would be the King's day--or more precisely the Coming of the King--the most important and most celebrated day in village history.


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The Unauthorized Secret History of Woody Allen: Part One

The Unauthorized Secret History of Woody Allen

Woody Allen was conceived (not created) in a mushroom patch by two semi-deranged semioticians trying to invent an alternative to toothpaste. That one of his legs (it’s not exactly certain which one) carries a limp to this day is harrowing testimony to his coming into being in a world of Brooklyn Jewish Delicatessen. Rabbi Ben Zvi Gefelter who was present pronounced the “limp” a mitzvah or conversely considered it as a possible inclination towards hooved animals. It is also rumored that the “Ride of the Valkyries” was played in the background to, it was then assumed, induce a rapid, uncomplicated birth. 

Woody often fondly recalls a happy home filled with loving parents and sensitive, caring siblings. Unfortunately for him they were the next-door neighbors.

In some rare interviews in the 70’s Woody had been shockingly candid about some early childhood episodes of ‘sibling molestation’ on the part of his adopted Finish sister, Filda, who he has often given credit for a unique and ‘quirky’ perspective on female sexuality. Two decades later Fox News took up this story and uncovered the truth: there never was an adopted Finish sister: just an old faded picture of Marlene Dietrich wearing nothing but schnapps and something faintly scribbled by, apparently, a highly-gifted idiot-savant: “I luv Euch.”

What first attracted Woody to enroll at NYU was a course entitled “Fear and Trembling”.  He thought it was a practical “how to” course on how to successfully undo women’s braziers (dangerously complicated and often highly flammable structures at the time). Upon entering college Woody soon got into trouble. He was investigated by the Committee on Un-Social Thought for organizing illegal séances where, obscenely, Ludwig Wittgenstein was being referred to without being asked. Woody, in his more analytical moments, would later claim to have raised the spirit of the then recently deceased Philosopher. As proof of this he tried to file metaphysical suit against the notoriously moody thinker  after he reportedly lurched towards him one night snapping: “Stop asking questions that have no answers—you four-eyed meshuga”…after which the incorporeal genius went about hitting him furiously with a copy of  “better homes and gardens” for about an hour in the dark. An ethereal bout of sinister snickering ensued.

After being summarily dismissed from NYU on moral grounds (one of the charges read “insistently fondles paper-clips in the most lewd and insinuating manner” and yet another read “I found him hysterically laughing at the Dean’s wife---from underneath her plaid skirt”). It was also widely rumored that he was a clandestine anarcho-syndicalist-beat-loving-hipster with strong ties to Cuba and a love of cheap vinyl upholstery.  The final report released under the Freedom of Unloved Freaks to Read Why We The People Really, Really Hate Them Act (1997) stated: His political affiliations are inconclusive. After six months of close surveillance by our operative, Squiginny Nielson, there was a confused report of regular Wednesday evening ruckus, followed by desperate squealing and a faux imitation of Benito Mussolini reading Eugene O’Neill. After this, there was some talk of his liquidation by some members of our agency, while others thought he would make a perfect double agent for our then plans to overthrow the democratically elected government of ____. Those plans fell through however after we realized that someone in ReCon had mixed up their reports for ______ with the south side of Chicago. The “Woodman” had escaped destiny’s noose yet again.

PS: The above is an original work of fiction with all rights reserved by the author of this blog!