The Unauthorized Secret History of Woody Allen
Woody Allen was conceived (not created) in a mushroom patch by two semi-deranged semioticians trying to invent an alternative to toothpaste. That one of his legs (it’s not exactly certain which one) carries a limp to this day is harrowing testimony to his coming into being in a world of Brooklyn Jewish Delicatessen. Rabbi Ben Zvi Gefelter who was present pronounced the “limp” a mitzvah or conversely considered it as a possible inclination towards hooved animals. It is also rumored that the “Ride of the Valkyries” was played in the background to, it was then assumed, induce a rapid, uncomplicated birth.
Woody often fondly recalls a happy home filled with loving parents and sensitive, caring siblings. Unfortunately for him they were the next-door neighbors.
In some rare interviews in the 70’s Woody had been shockingly candid about some early childhood episodes of ‘sibling molestation’ on the part of his adopted Finish sister, Filda, who he has often given credit for a unique and ‘quirky’ perspective on female sexuality. Two decades later Fox News took up this story and uncovered the truth: there never was an adopted Finish sister: just an old faded picture of Marlene Dietrich wearing nothing but schnapps and something faintly scribbled by, apparently, a highly-gifted idiot-savant: “I luv Euch.”
What first attracted Woody to enroll at NYU was a course entitled “Fear and Trembling”. He thought it was a practical “how to” course on how to successfully undo women’s braziers (dangerously complicated and often highly flammable structures at the time). Upon entering college Woody soon got into trouble. He was investigated by the Committee on Un-Social Thought for organizing illegal séances where, obscenely, Ludwig Wittgenstein was being referred to without being asked. Woody, in his more analytical moments, would later claim to have raised the spirit of the then recently deceased Philosopher. As proof of this he tried to file metaphysical suit against the notoriously moody thinker after he reportedly lurched towards him one night snapping: “Stop asking questions that have no answers—you four-eyed meshuga”…after which the incorporeal genius went about hitting him furiously with a copy of “better homes and gardens” for about an hour in the dark. An ethereal bout of sinister snickering ensued.
After being summarily dismissed from NYU on moral grounds (one of the charges read “insistently fondles paper-clips in the most lewd and insinuating manner” and yet another read “I found him hysterically laughing at the Dean’s wife---from underneath her plaid skirt”). It was also widely rumored that he was a clandestine anarcho-syndicalist-beat-loving-hipster with strong ties to Cuba and a love of cheap vinyl upholstery. The final report released under the Freedom of Unloved Freaks to Read Why We The People Really, Really Hate Them Act (1997) stated: His political affiliations are inconclusive. After six months of close surveillance by our operative, Squiginny Nielson, there was a confused report of regular Wednesday evening ruckus, followed by desperate squealing and a faux imitation of Benito Mussolini reading Eugene O’Neill. After this, there was some talk of his liquidation by some members of our agency, while others thought he would make a perfect double agent for our then plans to overthrow the democratically elected government of ____. Those plans fell through however after we realized that someone in ReCon had mixed up their reports for ______ with the south side of Chicago. The “Woodman” had escaped destiny’s noose yet again.
PS: The above is an original work of fiction with all rights reserved by the author of this blog!
No comments:
Post a Comment